Meet Madame Perfect
Hey Parents!
Make sure to read Mindset Curio #1 first, or this Mindset Curio won't make sense. Today, Dr. Carol Dweck helps you meet your fixed mindset "persona." As we like to say, first you claim it, then you name it, then you tame it. Here we go…
Claim it: Your fixed mindset is there, but it's only trying to help
Our fixed mindsets are not our enemies. They mean well, but they can still ruin our lives! They are trying to keep us safe and within social norms. The problem is they inhibit our growth, and prevent us from reaching our potential. Not to mention happiness. So we need to recognize what "triggers" that naysaying voice in our head. Common triggers include: big decisions, stretching to learn new things, meeting new people, taking a new job, building intimate relationships, or messing up at anything. Anything that creates anxiety or potential shame.
Name it: Say hello to Madame Perfect
Now, who is that persona that emerges in the face of the triggers? Try to identify your fixed mindset persona—the one that says "Watch out!" "Give up—it's safer!" Now, give your persona a name. Is it someone from your childhood? Maybe a past coach or boss? (My colleague Susan Mackie, the inventor of the fixed mindset persona, decided she has two!) I've named my fixed mindset Madame Perfect, because she always wants me to be flawless. I can see Madame Perfect vividly: a 19th-century fancy French lady, with a frilly dress and parasol. And a snooty voice. Try to imagine your fixed mindset persona.
Tame it: Engage and charm it, don't banish it
The final step is to engage with your fixed mindset persona. It's trying to help you, so don't just shoo it away when it appears. Engage. Try to understand its motivation. Let's say you're considering taking up the piano again after twenty years. Your persona might say: "Oh great, something else you'll start and never finish!" or "Hah, you'll look ridiculous playing recitals with little kids who are better than you!" Instead of shunning it, thank your persona for its advice and recruit its help in accomplishing your growth goal: "Maybe you're right, but I'd really like to put music into my daily life. Can I count on your support?" or "Thanks for the input, but I love kids and I'll be inspired by their spirit! Will you join me in this effort?"
EXERCISE: Who is your Madame Perfect?
I think you'll find that engaging with your fixed mindset persona—and exposing it's naysaying to the light of day—will lead you toward a growth mindset. To practice some of these methods, try the challenge below.
Think about your fixed mindset persona. Does it have a gender? An age? Is it a bully, or more subtly manipulative? Loud or soft?
Give it a name that captures its attributes. Is your fixed mindset persona inspired by a person in your past? Someone in a TV show or movie? A teacher? Someone in your career who shot you down?
What does it say to you when it shows up? How does it make you feel? Anxious? Angry? Depressed? Ashamed?
Write down a list of triggers for your fixed mindset persona. What specific situations/interactions summon that naysaying—or defensively arrogant—voice in your head?
Vividly imagine one of your trigger moments. Now have your first conversation with your fixed mindset persona. What does your fixed mindset persona say? Talk back, but be respectful. Thank it for its well-meant guidance, but sweetly tell it what you need. And let him/her know you're going to be having more two-way conversations from here on out!