The Praise Malaise
Hey Parents!
Praise is intertwined with much of life's motivation. As individuals, we relish it. Parents, coaches, teachers, and managers brandish it. In the Mindset Curio below, Dr. Carol Dweck shows how both are fraught with peril.
The praise we crave
We all love being told we're a "born genius" or "naturally talented." This is called person praise. And it can be poison. It reinforces a fixed mindset view of our self, and can do serious harm to the trajectory of our life. Why do we worship the idea that our prized abilities are naturally born? Shouldn't we be proud of skills we've worked to develop? For the ways we've made ourselves extraordinary? Society teaches us heroes have supernatural powers and superhuman talents. But to me, real heroes aren't just born that way. They develop their awesomeness by overcoming obstacles, working harder, and achieving more. That's the process of growth. And it's what we should want people to appreciate about us!
The praise we give
On the flip side, the giving of praise is also a trap. As an authority figure, it is critical to appreciate process and not ability. As a parent or teacher, encourage the process your young person used to achieve a certain outcome—her hard work, strategies, focus, and use of resources. Praise how that process led to learning, improvement, or success. Show how abilities are developed.
Praise process not DNA!
Our research shows that if you instead identify natural talent as the primary factor of success, this creates a fixed mindset. It makes kids reject future challenges (lest they lose this "gifted" label) and wilt in the face of difficulty. The same goes for friends, colleagues, or employees. Our first instinct is to reassure them that they have plentiful natural talents, that their DNA is excellent. It makes them feel good for a moment, but vulnerable in the long run.
Love is… appreciation
When I was in graduate school, I found out a professor I admired thought I was very smart. So I avoided him. Lest I give him any reason to think differently, of course! How did that work out for me? I rarely interacted with him, which was a terrible outcome for my growth. When we are in a growth mindset, we value others' appreciation of our investment in growth, not their fly-by compliments of our God-given talents. And as growth mindset parents, friends, or managers, we can reward people with a much higher compliment than mere praise. We can show them how much we appreciate their growth-mindset process.
EXERCISE: Practicing process praise
It takes some work to recognize the difference between person praise and process praise. It's even harder to stop ourselves from giving or craving person praise. Let's practice.
Write down the names of five or more important people in your life. Try to include at least one for whom you have some responsibility, and at least one who has some responsibility for you.
For each person on your list, write a sentence of process praise you hope s/he might say or think about you in the coming year. Use the form:
"[Your name] is great because of the way s/he does ________ to be the best [friend/parent/sibling/manager/person] s/he can be."Now write a sentence of process praise about each person on your list. Use the form:
"I appreciate __________ because of the way s/he does [some process] to be the best [friend/parent/sibling/manager/coach/person] s/he can be.Think about strategies you could use in the next year to actually deliver and receive the process praise above. What are you waiting for?